I don't cry often anymore.
I used to cry every day. Every day was hard to handle. I cried because I felt like shit. I cried because my pain was unmanageable. I cried because I couldn't eat anything without misery. I cried because I was hideous. I cried because my family was worried about me. I cried at every disappointing doctors appointment. I cried because I had cancer and I just couldn't deal with it.
I just cried all the time. I don't know if I'm numb or strong, but I just don't cry the same uncontrollable sobs that I spent the last 11 months crying, where I felt like I couldn't breath and that the tears would never stop flowing.
Now, when I cry, its slow and quiet. The tears are big and rolling. They drop on my shirt and laptop and leave puddles. I breath deeply. I am usually alone. Sometimes in the dark. Sometimes in the shower. Sometimes in my car.
The things that make me cry now are strange and sometimes unexplainable.
I cry when I conceptualize a blog and usually, while I write a blog. Putting the feelings on "paper" is overwhelming. I usually hide in the bathroom to write, in case I cry. I don't want John to see it. It feels shameful. I have to be stronger.
I cry every time I hear "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri, which is the song I walked down the aisle to and what I consider to be the most romantic song I know. It immediately reminds me of seeing John at the end of the aisle on my wedding day---probably the happiest moment of my entire life. To be fair, I used to ugly cry listening to it on the treadmill at 5am prior to my wedding when I was trying to get skinny.
I cried the day I realized my friendship was over with Tiffany (my former best friend in Phoenix).
I cried as quietly as possible in the twilight hours of Christmas morning while discussing cancer on Reddit with another 30 year old woman who had just been diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma.
I cried because my cats were both sleeping next to me, cuddled together. They're just so cute and happy. It was a rare moment of peace.
I cried when my father gave John and I a very generous Christmas gift that helped us to relieve some financial stress from my medical bills.
I cried on my birthday when I realized I had fundraised over $15,000 from 350+ people to fund research to find a cure for my cancer. I have the best people on my side.
I cried today when I saw that the 26 year old brother of a high school acquaintance had passed away. Life is precious. My heart breaks for her family.
I cried in a parking lot today reading the viral letter written by a 27 year old woman who died of cancer. So many of her pictures traveling, doing things that I've done, going places I've been. She is dead now. When will I have to write a letter to my loved ones on the last day of my life?
I seem to cry in the moments of extremes. I'm not a mess all the time any more. I don't think I'm a bit stronger or more accepting of cancer today than I was on day one--things are just different now.
I don't cry often any more, but my tears are as big as my emotions these days.
I used to cry every day. Every day was hard to handle. I cried because I felt like shit. I cried because my pain was unmanageable. I cried because I couldn't eat anything without misery. I cried because I was hideous. I cried because my family was worried about me. I cried at every disappointing doctors appointment. I cried because I had cancer and I just couldn't deal with it.
I just cried all the time. I don't know if I'm numb or strong, but I just don't cry the same uncontrollable sobs that I spent the last 11 months crying, where I felt like I couldn't breath and that the tears would never stop flowing.
Now, when I cry, its slow and quiet. The tears are big and rolling. They drop on my shirt and laptop and leave puddles. I breath deeply. I am usually alone. Sometimes in the dark. Sometimes in the shower. Sometimes in my car.
The things that make me cry now are strange and sometimes unexplainable.
I cry when I conceptualize a blog and usually, while I write a blog. Putting the feelings on "paper" is overwhelming. I usually hide in the bathroom to write, in case I cry. I don't want John to see it. It feels shameful. I have to be stronger.
I cry every time I hear "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri, which is the song I walked down the aisle to and what I consider to be the most romantic song I know. It immediately reminds me of seeing John at the end of the aisle on my wedding day---probably the happiest moment of my entire life. To be fair, I used to ugly cry listening to it on the treadmill at 5am prior to my wedding when I was trying to get skinny.
I cried the day I realized my friendship was over with Tiffany (my former best friend in Phoenix).
I cried as quietly as possible in the twilight hours of Christmas morning while discussing cancer on Reddit with another 30 year old woman who had just been diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma.
I cried because my cats were both sleeping next to me, cuddled together. They're just so cute and happy. It was a rare moment of peace.
I cried when my father gave John and I a very generous Christmas gift that helped us to relieve some financial stress from my medical bills.
I cried on my birthday when I realized I had fundraised over $15,000 from 350+ people to fund research to find a cure for my cancer. I have the best people on my side.
I cried today when I saw that the 26 year old brother of a high school acquaintance had passed away. Life is precious. My heart breaks for her family.
I cried in a parking lot today reading the viral letter written by a 27 year old woman who died of cancer. So many of her pictures traveling, doing things that I've done, going places I've been. She is dead now. When will I have to write a letter to my loved ones on the last day of my life?
I seem to cry in the moments of extremes. I'm not a mess all the time any more. I don't think I'm a bit stronger or more accepting of cancer today than I was on day one--things are just different now.
I don't cry often any more, but my tears are as big as my emotions these days.
Crying is cathartic and a catalyst for emotional healing. It's alright to weep openly and hysterically. It's okay to ugly cry (you couldn't be ugly if you tried) and it's fine to slow cry. You have a lot on your plate, Nikki, and I personally admire the fuck outta you for the way you choose to document your journey. You don't realize how you inspire people. Did you know that there are some days I can't get out of bed from my crippling bipolar disorder...and I read your words and say, "this brave chick is dealing with so much, get your fat was out of bed and stfu." lol. I would NEVER tell you not to cry... because you've earned the right to cry. Conversely, you've earned the right to smile and enjoy those same precious things. Your tears are understandable, but in all those tears, remember you DO have reasons to smile.
ReplyDeleteYou have girlfriends who ADORE you.
You have a husband that worships the ground you walk on.
You have parents and grandparents who love you unconditionally and profoundly.
You are surrounded and shrouded in love, not because of your cancer, but in spite of it.
So cry all you want or need, but promise yourself to give yourself the gift of knowing that while you have been dealt the shittiest hand, you are rich in love. Allow yourself the right to smile now and then.
If it helps...since menopause? I cry at dog food commercials. lol.
Love you more than my Louboutins. xoxo
my fat ASS, not fat was. Stupid autocorrect. lol.
ReplyDelete