The cat that’s running out of lives
That’s me. Running out out of options. Someday I wonder if it’s worth the battle. Today is one of those days when everything hurts and tragedy lurks around every corner.
My feelings only grow with the death of a close family friend just two days ago after her 10 year battle with breast cancer. My heart has been broken once again, watching my mom, her family and so many others who loved her eve
n more dearly than me.
But her lives aren’t mine to run out of, but here I am loosing them them on my own time. It’s taken me quite some time to even write this story because it makes my body shake, the tears flow and my head ache.
On Monday, I felt sick to my stomach. Not unusual, so I took my meds and went to bed. I was kind of half lucid and texting with people, including my mom, who thought my texts were strange and misspelled and that I sounded way out of it on the phone when she called. By the time she got there, I was pale and the glucose monitor was wouldn’t even read my blood sugar because it was so low. We got in the car, suspecting I needed a blood transfusion. They started asking me consent questions at ER intake.
Apparently after that, I became completely Incoherent. I thought John was my dad. I didn’t know the date, couldn’t sign forms, who the president was and what holiday was next up. That’s the last thing I recall.
What I’m told is that my glucose was 3. A normal personal’s low level is 11 is alright. Once again, I was a walking zombie with not a single symptom at hand. It wasn’t until all of a sudden my oxygen level began to crash, my kidneys and liver failing and an infection potentially in my port where things got scarier. I hacked and gasped for air.
I spent several days in a coma with doctors reading my last rites to my husband parents every day. What happened? Still unsure. Our best guess is that my body hit the perfect storm. I got food poisoning from pizza, it caused a gastric bleed, it dropped my hemoglobin way, way down to 3. When it dropped, I became completely fucked up out of it.
The team of doctors began coming in and having the “do not resuscitate” conversation. My mom absolutely refused that answer. I remember johns big, warm hands squeezing mine hard and his hot tears dripping on mine. My dad found his way there in a few hours. I still couldn’t figure out where I was. I thought maybe in in Northern Arizona? I knew my friend Christina was there and had brought sandwiches to feed everyone. I couldn’t open my eyes to understand or ask. The lights blared around me and my mouth was so dry. Whereeeee was I?
Everyone rushed to my side. I had apparently developed pneumonia and no one ran a chest X-ray until it was nearly too late for me. I was on deaths doorstep again.
Now you know why this story is so hard for me to tell. It’s terrifying. It’s painful.
On Wednesday, I woke up to an angel dragging me toward the bright lights ahead of me. I opened my eyes for the first time. I laughed because I wanted to be in heaven too, I guess.
I didn’t know where I was but I wanted to be there too because it smelled so good. I laughed as they rushed to my side but I had no clue why because the dilaudid flooded my system.
So this is what it feels like to to die.
A whisper in the night.
You don’t even know
Which leads me to now. I’m loosing another of my cat lives as I’ve just admitted to the hospital again with pneumonia. It’s early but it is strong and I need every single resource helping us through this...the bed sheets are rashy tearing at my skin, I can barely drink without a shocking cough and cannot eat. I would not ask if it was not vital.
https://mealtrain.com/w3yzd7
Please do no flowers or trinkets (unless they’re for John bc he never get angrirrrr) Our immediate needs are through MealTrain—we appreciate Postmates gift cards for late hospital nights, Grocery stories to keep up healthy but honestly, just donations to make sure we have appropriate medical supplies to bring Nikki home. Please help!
https://mealtrain.com/w3yzd7
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