This week, I started chemotherapy. This means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. The word chemo in itself just makes people feel terribly uncomfortable. They don't know what to say when you mention to have treatments The type of chemo I'll be treated with actually a targeted pharmaceutical version specifically for breaking down the GIST tumors hanging around in my liver. This type of chemo (ironically called "Gleevec"-- Marketing person is fired) requires me to take a huge and expensive pill daily.
It also requires me to attend weekly infusion sessions where I receive medication to help the broken down proteins from the liver tumors from destroying my kidneys in the process. Hey, at least someone is thinking ahead right?
The infusions are given in the same area as the IV-chemo is given at the cancer center, so, while the Gleevec gives me one set of physical side effects, being in the chemo infusion lab once a week gives me another set of mental side effects....primarily denial.
I can say that I spend no less than 93% of my current existence in real denial about all of this cancer stuff. With all of the narcotics they keep me on, it isn't that hard to imagine it away. It is easy to take a strong dose right before I go to the doctor and space out when he says words that hurt like lesion, four months, eight gain, edema, fatigue, prognosis, surgery, death...
...I'm not ready to die at age 30. This isn't how it was supposed to be.
I can't deny this is happening anymore. I will sit once a week with other infusion patients, watching and waiting for medicine to go in and toxins to come out. Everyone can see me there, even when I try to hide behind the pillows.
Now that I'm on a 30 day leave from work, its harder to deny. I couldn't even say goodbye to my coworkers because it was just too hard. Being on a medical leave from work is the first official admission, on my part, that this is going to affect my life.
I couldn't even walk a length of the farmers' market without getting fatigued and having to sit down. I'm not allow to drive. My mom and husband babysit me like a child (I know they mean well but I can't even breathe sometimes). Then, I had to cancel a bunch of Toastmaster commitments and my MBA coursework is taking so much longer than it should.
I am struggling to manage my pain versus getting anything done in any given day, because, by the time I wake up groggy from one dose, its time to take another.
I haven't washed my hair in almost a week because I'm terrified that its starting to fall out.
So, I guess this is the end of denial, whether I like it or not.
I'll end with a daily affirmation that the CEO of my company sent to me
I hear with love.
Harmony surrounds me.
I listen with love to the present and the good,
I am a center for love.
I declare peace and harmony indwell me and surround me at all times.
All is well.
One hour, one minute,one second at a time dear Nikki. Sending you much love and support, and thinking of you every day. Wishing you strength, courage and comfort always. - Jenn
ReplyDeleteNikki, You are in my thoughts and prayers daily.
ReplyDeleteYikes, yes, the Chemo Palace sucks, no matter how comfy the chair where they give you your infusion. Try not to get too freaked out about how tired chemo will make you. Just spend your days sleeping or lying down. It will get better, and you will have better and worse days. Also, I think if they are giving you chemo, they must think they can fix you. Though the fear of death is perfectly normal and human. It would have been weird if you did not feel it. xox
ReplyDeleteYour self-awareness inspires. Remember how we've talked about the grieving process with matters at the Society. Denial is often the first step, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. People can cycle through these phases many times. Here to support you through each phase. Another few favorite affirmations of mine: I lovingly forgive and release all of the past. I choose to fill my world with joy. I love and approve of my Self.
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