December came and went quickly. It always does. After Thanksgiving is always a fury of my birthday, decorating, cooking, shopping, Christmas music (that actually starts in October, much to John's chagrin) and figuring out where the heck we're even spending the holidays. Its been several years since we've been back to Chicago to spend Christmas with my paternal family and friends, so we decided to brave the cold and spend 10 days in a frozen tundra. It would be the first time we ever stayed with my dad and his family (step mother, step brother-16, half brother-14, half sister-13, half brother-10)...a real big family affair that I never grew up with as the only child of my mother and father.
Many people get bummed out around the holidays for whatever reason-- commercialism, family drama, etc. But most people never get to experience BEING the bummer.
Yep. I was certainly the Christmas bummer this year.
I first noticed it when I started seeing my family and friends come into town, many of which do not see me regularly. They ask "how are you?" and I say "fine, thanks", because really I was feeling pretty good and eating pretty well for the most part. But then they look at you with those sad eyes and say "but how ARE you...?".
Um. What would you like me to say right now? Cancer is a miserable nightmare I deal with every single day. I never feel great. I never look great. I can't do what I want to do. It sucks, but really, I am fine. I am dealing with it and I don't really want to talk about it right now...which is why I gave the simple answer I gave.
I just get annoyed by the sad eyes most of the time; however, sometimes, it feels the worst to have all the sad eyes on you.
On Christmas Eve, my family went to a Catholic Mass service. The priest asked everyone to pray for the sick, the weary, the poor...etc. When I looked around, there were so many sad eyes on me because I look sick. I look like a cancer patient-- all pale, skinny, fuzzy headed. All these strangers looking at me, praying for me...the sick, the weary, the poor....me.
Toward the end of the service, everyone sang Silent Night and I was overwhelmed by emotion. I'm not a Godly person, we all know that. But I pray every single night to literally every saint and deity that I know of to please help me live until they can find a cure, to give me strength to fight back every day, to hold my head up and face cancer with half the grace of others I know.
So, I sat in the pew with quiet tears rolling down my cheeks, praying for all those things while everyone around me sang Silent Night.
And my dad saw me and I could see his sad eyes get sadder. I tried to wipe away my tears quickly but I couldn't stop them.
He always looks at me with sad eyes though. I know it hurts him to even look at me.
My heart just broke. I didn't mean to ruin his Christmas, but the rest of the night, he stayed sad. Even at our family Christmas Eve party, he sat apart, with sad eyes staring at the football game and a glass of Jack on the rocks.
I'm tired of sad eyes. It makes my heart hurt. It fucks with my head and makes me feel like a burden to the people I love most.
So, yeah. I'm the Christmas Bummer. Is that worse than being the Grinch or the Scrooge? It certainly feels that way.
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| John and I with BFF Amy and Godbebe Summer, freezing our booties off in Chicago |
Many people get bummed out around the holidays for whatever reason-- commercialism, family drama, etc. But most people never get to experience BEING the bummer.
Yep. I was certainly the Christmas bummer this year.
I first noticed it when I started seeing my family and friends come into town, many of which do not see me regularly. They ask "how are you?" and I say "fine, thanks", because really I was feeling pretty good and eating pretty well for the most part. But then they look at you with those sad eyes and say "but how ARE you...?".
Um. What would you like me to say right now? Cancer is a miserable nightmare I deal with every single day. I never feel great. I never look great. I can't do what I want to do. It sucks, but really, I am fine. I am dealing with it and I don't really want to talk about it right now...which is why I gave the simple answer I gave.
I just get annoyed by the sad eyes most of the time; however, sometimes, it feels the worst to have all the sad eyes on you.
On Christmas Eve, my family went to a Catholic Mass service. The priest asked everyone to pray for the sick, the weary, the poor...etc. When I looked around, there were so many sad eyes on me because I look sick. I look like a cancer patient-- all pale, skinny, fuzzy headed. All these strangers looking at me, praying for me...the sick, the weary, the poor....me.
Toward the end of the service, everyone sang Silent Night and I was overwhelmed by emotion. I'm not a Godly person, we all know that. But I pray every single night to literally every saint and deity that I know of to please help me live until they can find a cure, to give me strength to fight back every day, to hold my head up and face cancer with half the grace of others I know.
So, I sat in the pew with quiet tears rolling down my cheeks, praying for all those things while everyone around me sang Silent Night.
And my dad saw me and I could see his sad eyes get sadder. I tried to wipe away my tears quickly but I couldn't stop them.
He always looks at me with sad eyes though. I know it hurts him to even look at me.
My heart just broke. I didn't mean to ruin his Christmas, but the rest of the night, he stayed sad. Even at our family Christmas Eve party, he sat apart, with sad eyes staring at the football game and a glass of Jack on the rocks.
I'm tired of sad eyes. It makes my heart hurt. It fucks with my head and makes me feel like a burden to the people I love most.
So, yeah. I'm the Christmas Bummer. Is that worse than being the Grinch or the Scrooge? It certainly feels that way.
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