I wished for a cure when I blew out the candles.
I never thought this would my birthday wish.
I’m sure you’re all very aware that I turn 30 in less than two weeks. I’m filled with gratitude over the immense generosity of my friends, family and strangers who have shared my story and helped me to raise over $10,000 and nearly 300 donations for the Life Raft Group to fund research into wild type GIST.
This past weekend, three of my closest sorority sisters flew in and threw me a little surprise 30th birthday celebration, sorority style of course—-balloons and posters and gifts and cake! I cried when I saw what they did because it was the first time I felt truly happy in so long.
And when it came time to blow out the candles, my eyes were filled with tears as I begged God to please find me a cure to this horrible disease as I made my birthday wish.
Some people wish for ponies. I’m wishing for a way, any way, to go back to who I was before cancer.
I still haven’t started any new chemotherapy or entered a clinical trial. This is stressful to me because anything small I feel, I’m scared it’s spreading. I’m working with a new doctor at Mayo Clinic. There’s some disagreements between my doctors as to what I should do. I feel out of control because it’s also my decision to make and I don’t know what to do. As usual, no one knows anything really. It’s all guessing. This makes me an unpleasant person to be around all the time. I’m a burden to my family because I’m always in a terrible mood. I wish I knew how to behave better.
I expect I’ll be starting chemotherapy again after a blood biopsy next Friday, looking for more mutations. I’m scared to be sick again, but I don’t have any other option now.
Happy Holidays, right? This is getting depressing now. By the way, I decided I believe in God again. I need all the help I can get. Also, an old friend wrote me a very beautiful letter and helped to restore my faith. Plus, I cry when I hear Silent Night.
But really, thank you to everyone who has helped me fundraise. Thank you notes coming soon. Your donation will literally help save my life.
I am here. I am with you. I pray for you every night, my love. You are allowed to be depressed, but you are also allowed to be Nikki and get up to swing for the fences. You fight this fucking thing. And when you get exhausted, lay down...rest...and wake up swinging again. You deserve that. You don't deserve cancer.
ReplyDeleteAs for your doctors, here's a tidbit for you.
Your belly and liver may have cancer. Your mind is still as sharp as ever. And you are a very intelligent woman. Go with your instinct. Go with your gut. Close your eyes and don't think. Just clear your head. Let the answer come to you...because it will. Ask your grandmother for guidance because you two are so close. She won't steer you wrong. Don't talk to other people about what they did and didn't do. Everyone is going to have a different experience. Yours might not be the same.
New restored faith in God? Great. Pray on it. Ask God what you should do. Look for signs and signals from the universe. Sound crazy? Probably, but these are just little techniques designed for you to still have control over your own decisions.
And my motto? What do I have to lose by trying?
If nothing changes, nothing changes. So while you still have these decisions to make, make them. Own them. Think about if it was your mom, your husband, etc in this same situation. How would you guide them?
Take care of that inner child, Nikki. Comfort her, let her know she can trust you and then, show her how it's done.
Because you can. And you will. xoxoxo