This entry is postdated and edited from its original content.
It’s been two weeks since I started Temador and I have never been more sure there is no god.
From the night I started, I have been unable to eat solid foods, intense abdominal and shoulder pain that I’ve had to restore to narcotics to control around the clock. I’m so fatigued, I only leave bed if I absolutely must—usually to get something to drink, do my minimal MBA homework and take more medication...and who can forget visiting the bathroom immediately after attempting to eat anything at all.
I did discover I can eat two tablespoons of large curd cottage cheese at a time without reaction. Everything tastes of metal or sawdust. My favorite food is an “ice smoothie” which is simple chewable ice pellets from Circle K so I can at least stay hydrated.
Last week, I was visiting my PCP for a routine check in and he discovered I had a mild fever and demanded I go straight to the ER. My oncologist was’t available and the on call oncologist demanded the same . After some pain meds, an ultrasound, and some blood work, it was determined there was no raging infections, but everything was slow moving and backed up in my bowel....aka the same shit that has been happening since before I was diagnosed.
They gave me Tylenol and discharged me without any fever. So, once again, ER visit for NO REASON because NO ONE LISTENS TO ME EVER.
So, the doctors and my mom pressure me to double up on things to help my stomach work it out. This, in turn, has led to me going into day 17 of gastric distress. Zero ability to eat solid foods.
I’m so fucking angry at them. I knew this would happen. I knew it would go the other way on me, but no doctor LISTENS any more. I LIVE IN MY BODY. I KNOW MY BODY BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. WHY DO I HAVE ZERO AGENCY OVER MY BODY?
I think this is the most frightening part of all of this. I have no control. I gave away the agency because I trusted doctors. Now I see they’re all in it for themselves like used fucking cars salesmen. I have no energy to fight back. I can’t even get out of bed, for fuck’s sake.
If one more person tells me that I just need to get up and walk around more, I will use the last of my energy to inflict pain. If someone tells me this is my journey, I will not hesitate to tell them to take my journey and shove it straight up their ass.
I don’t know if I can make it the end of the for the seven day wash out. This has officially taken every single piece of joy from my life and if it ruins my MBA GPA in my final class, god help us all.
You have to keep being an advocate for yourself, sweetheart. You are entitled to say yes, no or get the fuck away from me. When you are not strong enough to fight, get your husband, your mom, a good friend, a crazy bitch from Florida...whoever...to pick up that fight for you. NO ONE knows your body like you do.
ReplyDeleteAnd with regard to people telling you to get up and walk? Let me share a funny/not funny story with you.
My Dad had Parkinson's, end stage. My brother comes over and tells my Dad, who can barely walk at this point, that he just needs to get out, get some sunshine and let the Vitamin D do its job.
I replied, "Oh wow! Vitamin D! Why didn't we think of that! Just a some sunshine and his Parkinson's will be cured! Let me get on the phone with the Michael J. Fox foundation and let them know you cured Parkinsons!"
He's like, you're an asshole. LOL
You're a snarky bitch, tell people thank you so much. Had I only known a walk would cure my cancer, I would have walked AGES ago. *eye roll*
Conclusion? People are dumb.
But listen, take control. Doctors are only humans who went to school 8 years longer than most people do. They are not infallible. As a nurse, I can tell you I have corrected MANY doctors who were inept. So, trust your instincts and literally, trust your gut. And remember, you do not have to sign on to any treatments that do not feel comfortable for you.
Love you more. xoxo